Hello all :)

[Dastan]

Hi!

I don't have psoriasis, but better half of me have it. And the purpose of me coming here is to get some advice from females who have this.

short story before my question

me nd my gf have been together for over 3 years now. 1 year ago she found out that she has psoriasis. after that she changed alot. We live in long distant relationship right now coz of my studies. Every time we see each other and as a healthy relationship get a lil intimate she starts hiding herself nd saying things like its ugly etc. I have tried alot to say that i like the way u are nd it doesnt bother me. but in vain. Sometimes when she has bad times nd i try to comfort she says what u would know.. well that might be true :( .

So the question is how should I tell her without making her feel like Im just sympathizing with her nd how should i be with her overall. Before this disease we fought equally (that's a part of healthy relationship also ) but right now I`m afraid coz if i say something she immediately thinks that I`m not happy with her coz of psoriasis :( . (im a lil jealous kind of guy nd shes beautiful so when guys try something nd im not there.. it boils my blood .. )

Im myself a medicine student nd the future plan is to become a psoriasis specialist


<---- haha didnt expect to see those kind of smileys in here

[Fred]

Hello Dastan

I'm not female but I do understand what your girl friend is going through. I also understand how you feel too.

Psoriasis can put a huge strain on a relationship. for the person who has it they can feel ugly and it knocks their self esteem, another thing it can do is make us snappy with our partners! we know deep down you are trying to help but we will say things like "How do you know what it's like" For the person trying to help it is so difficult for you to understand how your partner is feeling and you will often think why Do I Bother.

I explained it to my wife one day like this: You can't possibly understand what it feels like for me to have psoriasis, the same as I can't possibly understand how you feel with premenstrual tension.

To get it across to her that you genuinely do want to help is difficult,  but you are going in the right direction by joining here and asking the question. I would suggest you have a good look through some of the posts and try to get a feel of what it is like! you won't fully understand but it could help you in your approach to helping her.

Over time my wife has learnt it's best to leave me alone when I'm feeling down about it, but I have also learnt from her that she does care. it takes time and you do have to talk it over with each other. Try not to be jealous and just tell her you are there if she wants to talk about it. she must also learn to live with it and accept that she is lucky to have a partner who is willing to help and support.  

Good luck with the Dermatology study we need more people like you, and you and your girl friend are very welcome to ask as many questions as you like. if we can help you we will. we may not have all the answers, but knowing there are others who understand is a great help.

P.S the and are usualy aimed at me. because I make comments like "Think of the fun you could have with your girl friend playing medicine student and psoriasis patient, maybe you should offer her a massage with Coconut Oil"  

Regards.

Fred.

[JustSuzy]

Hi and welcome to the group,
Great answer from Fred!
I have no answers but here I go!
It is very hard as a woman with psoriasis especially if we are hormonal and our self esteem is down. I knew my hubby loved me and yet still turned the lights off and covered up because of my own insecurities.
I don't know of anything you can do that your not already.Just stay the course and hope she finds acceptance and learns to be comfortable in her own skin.
You may want to find a time when you both are together and not emotional and set down and talk to her with positive and firm statements to the facts.A few conversation starters may be like...
1) If you were in an accident and burned would she still accept and love you?
2) Does she understand that psoriasis comes and goes and can be treated and there will be times she is clear.
3) Is she using the psoriasis as a way out or an excuse to push you away?

I guess my best advice is to restrain from the urge to argue about it.Just tell her it is not a reason or excuse to fight and it isn't fair for her to throw it out there every time your arguing about something else.My hubby helped me a lot when he put my medicine on the spots I couldn't easily reach and blown on them when it burned,lol.He says when he looks at me he just See's the woman he loves and especially when romantic the last thing he is thinking about is my spots!

Everyone with psoriasis has to come to terms with it and face their fears and go short sleeved in public,in the hot tub,etc. The quicker they do the better their life is because they then are not controlled by it.I see people just diagnosed go through stages almost like the stages of grief after the death of a loved one.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to the diagnoses with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the idea it is lifelong at some level. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering and woe-is-Me's,why Me's,wanting to blame something or someone and depression.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the disease and your reactions and feelings on someone else. This needs to be controlled, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a cure. ("I will never drink again if you just take it away")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life it is after all just a glorified rash, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your diagnoses, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did before the diagnosis, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair thinking of all the things you now can not do because of psoriasis and your need to cover up and hide it. Self esteem will probably be down now.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life with psoriasis, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.The shock of it wears off and you quit scouring the Internet for a quick fix or cure and start accepting it and now is when the true self esteem work begins.You must overcome your fears and learn to forget worry over what others think ans to live life again. Otherwise a life of loneliness,depression and isolation will take its toll on the mental and physical self.

6. WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life with psoriasis.and reconstructing yourself and your life with it begins.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this diagnoses. But you will find a way forward and as time passes you will look around and realize how lucky you are as it could be much worse.
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The heartbreak of psoriasis is real,but it can be conquered with a good medical regime and acceptance. In many ways I am thankful because I quickly find out who the truly good and bad are and it is my armour against the bad. I am just as God made me and I will live life to the fullest and not let psoriasis be my excuse.
I didn't myself realize how much I missed using psoriasis as an excuse until my daughter unexpectedly passed away last year at 29. All the things I stayed home from using my skin as an excuse thinking I could do "when my skin clears" are now not possible. I pray everyone who reads this makes the decision to never use psoriasis as an excuse and appreciates each day and lives them to the fullest!

Suzy

P.S. There is more and more research about psoriasis and depression and anxiety and panic attacks. It would make for great discussions in a psych class!
Good luck to you in your future! We need more people in the medical field with an interest in psoriasis.

[Troll]

Hello

Wise words from Fred and Suzy. just hang in there and give her time if she needs it. also try to curb your jealousy a little.

Good career path by the way.

[Dastan]

Thanks alot Suzy nd fred. Those were some valuable information. nd thanks for the amount of time u guys put in writing all.
I did talk with her the way u told me suzy nd its quite better now. But still i have to do alot :(

thanks troll

ps. sorry for late answer ^^,
I had forgotten the password

[Fred]

Thanks alot Suzy nd fred. Those were some valuable information. nd thanks for the amount of time u guys put in writing all.
I did talk with her the way u told me suzy nd its quite better now. But still i have to do alot :(

thanks troll

ps. sorry for late answer ^^,
I had forgotten the password

You're welcome, good to see you again. You've obviously got your password sorted now, but if you do get stuck, use the "contact us" at the foot of the page and we will get you sorted.

Good to hear things are getting a bit better, but it will take time. Are you still doing medicine and thinking of aiming for dermatology?

[Caroline]

Hi Dastan,

Are you sure you want to be a dermatologist ?
Psoriasis is no skin disease, so you will only be tought things to do with the skin, which is only symptomatic, while the essence is that you should study the immune system and the things that influence that. That might be the key to sometime conquer this awful problem for a lot of us.

Btw, could you perhaps use plain English in your posts? I am not a native English speaker and your way of SMS/twitter-talk is awfully difficult to read for me. , it feels like reading some kind of morse code, all stuttery..

[KyPrincess]

Hi Dastan! Welcome to the forum!

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