Back Into Hell

[Brighteyes]

Nice shoes they may be but I don't have nice feet to put in them

Thigh length boots however.........................

[Brighteyes]

Well it didn't take long for the bough to break.

I walked to the local shops on Thursday and it was hell. I was lucky my O/H was with me to carry the small amount of shopping I bought. He had to go on ahead whilst I hobbled back. Bless his heart, he had a bowl of water for me to stick my feet in and a medicinal cup of tea ready.

When I peeled off my socks there was blood. I'd managed to acquire a few skin tears. To make matters worse (and I'm sure it wasn't related) I began to be sick. It was a most uncomfortable night.

And if that wasn't enough I woke up on Saturday morning and the bed & carpet were covered in skin. I'd been scratching my feet in my sleep. And, yes, there was blood and skin tears again.

I confess that the last few days have really got me down again and all that self recrimination is flooding back. The Black Dog has me by the throat and is snarling at me for being an old, ugly and useless cripple .

Sorry to be so graphic, I just really need to get it off my chest. As ever, I keep a smile on my face for my O/H and our boy but when they're asleep I just cry.

I've decided to up my meds back to 300mg and try to get back on top of things. I just don't know what else to do.

[Caroline]

O. Poor Brighteyes. You are in a heavy state. Read through your post and of course I am sorry for your and feel along with you.
Indeed it is difficult to decide where to go to now.
So fine that you have O/H, I guess that stands for Old Hubby, with you. Must be the greatest guy in the world. We sometimes forget the persons that stand close to us, but really they are gold plated...

Coming at this point I again want to mention that there are two options you certainly have not explored yet. And that are
1) the medication I am using, search for my post on dymethylfumarates on the forum.
2) an option that is new for me also, which concerns a reset of your immune system.

On the last point I only know little. The method is developed in Germany, and was co-developed in Germany with the same doctor that has created my medication. This doctor has dedicated about his life to find a cure or at least medication to make living with psoriasis acceptable.
This method is already used in Germany, I have seen some careful publications, but now is also available in the Netherlands. It concerns taking a blood sample (don't know how much), which is than treated in a specific way. After the treatment of the blood, it can be injected again. As it is your own there are no side effects. That must be done, I thought about two-weekly, but you can learn to do it yourself. Until result is reached. The whole program may last for a year. The effect as measured up to now is that your psoriasis is effectively vanished.
I am hesitating still myself if I will go that way, as I can live very well with my medication.
There is a Dutch site called [web]geneeskunst.nl[/web] where you can read about it, for you google translate is needed.

I do realize myself that you British are quite stubborn, don't be mad with me because of this direct remark, but I am Dutch. (A trick I learnt from Fred and Troll, saying that I am Dutch ) But we Dutch are very straightforward people.
For instance, when you British say:"Well that is quite nice.." Meaning that something is garbage, we say "That's garbage."
So... I do not think that you will directly follow one of this possibilities but I at least want you to think about it and read about it.

Caroline, wishing you all that you need right now.

[Fred]

@Caroline O/H = Other Half. Usually referring to husband or wife, but these days it can also mean partner. You probably wouldn't know it as I think it's an English saying.

@Brighteyes Sorry to hear you have had a relapse so soon after your holiday, are you letting things get on top of you again. ? You really must stop putting yourself down, you have been a great help to others in the past, and I know you don't like feeling a burden to others, but like I said before they wouldn't help if they didn't want to.

I'm glad this time you're still coming back here and as you know we don't always have the answers, but we understand. Re upping your own Meds and saying "I just don't know what else to do." Get on the phone in the morning and talk with that new Dermatologist you saw last time, or at least your GP.
Making the decision yourself is not the way to go, and yes I'm as guilty as the rest for doing it, but now you have contact with a better derm I think you should continue the relationship and work together.

Oh and as for Black Dogs! I won't take it personally having a black dog as my avatar.

[Fred]

Forgot to mention in my last post.

Remember me talking to you about the Full Moon not long ago? There's one on Wednesday.

[Brighteyes]

Just to let you know......I'm okay.

Still on the right side of sane (just).

Having a little time off the internet until the weekend to do some fun family stuff.

XXX

[Fred]

Do some fun family stuff.

Burnt burgers on the BBQ, Warm Beer, Leap Frog in the garden, rounded off with a nice game of Twister.

[Brighteyes]

Amazing how one simple sentence can send you spiralling.

My O/H told me the other day that he didn't know if he could cope if I got really ill.

I'm probably reading more into it than I should (he says I am but hasn't quite explained how) but it's left me feeling angry, vulnerable, depressed and quite alone.

I didn't ask to be ill.

[Caroline]

Well that is a shit remark to hear in your situation. I can imagine that you feel left alone, but I can also imagine that things may sometimes get over your O/H's head. That may be moments that something slips out that he not really wants to say, and also not really means.
Well and the way our minds work is that they go into a spinning sequence, thus enlarging our thoughts.
I think that certainly he didn't mean what he said in the way you interpreted it. I am quite sure that he loves you enough to overcome all trouble that might arise.
For you own mental wellbeing talk it over with him, perhaps tell him that you were scared by his words but that you still believe in him. At least avoid attacking him with words, I found out that men do not like that.

Keep up, you are not alone, over here we are there.
None of us has asked to have this disease, but we have to cope with it.

Caroline

[Fred]

I don't know if it helps but I too would say to my wife "I wouldn't know if I could cope if she got really ill." That doesn't mean I wouldn't help, it just means I would be at a loss on where to turn next.

Like most people your O/H has probably never had the experience of looking after someone suddenly struck with a debilitating problem. Yes he knows how you are now and copes with that, but to have to look after you 24/7 could have a huge impact on his or anyone's life.

A friend of my wife's was once faced with a similar problem when he had to look after his wife when her MS got worse. Their daughter was to young to look after her, and although her mother used to help she didn't live close by. I never thought he would be able to handle it, but he spoke to me one day and said he was going to look after her full time and give up his job. I was surprised, but it worked and he used to have one weekend off each month when her mother would come to look after her. Their daughter as she grew up also started helping and they actually seemed a closer family than before.

Brighteyes don't take this the wrong way, but at the moment he is coping with it and if things should change I'm sure he would sit down and work something out. But yes I think you are reading to much into it, and anyway you should wait and see if you do get severely ill before worrying yourself and possibly him about what will happen.

Life's to short to worry about what will happen IF! You're not alone, and don't forget us Blokes talk a different language to Women (we talk sense and women misunderstand everything we say)