Health Boards
Wed-16-11-2011, 19:21 PM
Helping your family
cope with your psoriasis
The following article by Dr. Robert H. Reiner, psychologist, will provide you with tips and insights on how to communicate with your family about your psoriasis.
Like any chronic illness, psoriasis can strain a relationship, and families are no exception. Keeping a positive attitude and communicating openly can help you and your family cope with the ups and downs of your disease.
Tips for keeping your family life on track
Don't label yourself the "sick one"
The less this is done, the healthier your family situation will be. Don't fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. Life is not just "A" or "Z"; there are 24 other letters in the alphabet.
In my field, we make the assumption that everyone has issues. For someone with psoriasis, those issues may be very public, more agonizing, but the reality is that health, both physical and emotional, is a continuum. We all struggle with something.
Be proactive
The more you can be open, honest, and up front about your illness, the more smoothly things are going to go. Some people take the attitude of "I'm not going to talk about what I have until it's absolutely unavoidable." In my opinion, that's the wrong approach.
First of all, it means you're bracing yourself all the time—hoping your psoriasis won't come up, hoping it won't embarrass you, hoping it won't interfere with something you want to do. If you're proactive—acknowledging it, and briefly explaining it (for example, "It's something I may have inherited from my grandmother; it causes my body to produce too many skin cells. I know it can look bad, but it's not contagious."), then all the cousins, nieces, nephews, and in-laws can be matter-of-fact and unsurprised by it, too.
Watch out for "secondary gains"
Anyone who has ever stayed home from school with an upset stomach and was allowed to watch television all day knows that there are some benefits to being sick. If you have a chronic illness such as psoriasis, you should not take advantage of your condition.
Say, for example, your wife's mother asks you to drive her home after dinner, and you answer that you are too tired. You can pretty much expect your wife to be annoyed with you when she gets back from driving her mother home. You have to ask yourself how uncomfortable you're willing to be, so other family members can also get their needs met. You're not going to be comfortable all the time. No one is. That's just the way adult life works.
Never break a contract
A contract doesn't have to be drawn up in a lawyer's office to be important. We make verbal contracts, or agreements, all the time. And honoring them is one of the touchstones of family life. It's one of the ways we let members of our family know we can be trusted. If you say to your spouse, "Sure, hon, go ahead and accept that invitation to the Smiths' barbecue," you need to make sure you go to the Smiths' barbecue. If you tell your kids you'll come to their soccer games this weekend, you'd better be rooting on the sidelines when the last whistle blows, or you'd better have a very good reason why you're not there.
Master constructive communication
When you're communicating with someone, your goal is to deliver information. Picture yourself trying to deliver a letter to someone: if their mailbox is nailed shut, you will have no place to deposit it. You're left holding it in your hand. By the same token, if the person you're talking to shuts down, you have nowhere to deliver the information you want to share.
How can you prevent family members from shutting down when you're talking to them? Keep these strategies in mind: don't make them feel threatened. Use statements that disclose something about you, rather than statements that are aggressive toward them. Say, for example, that you and your spouse are having a disagreement. If you say, "You're wrong," he or she will almost certainly become defensive and shut out what you have to say. If, on the other hand, you say, "I disagree," you've said something about yourself. That's a big difference.
"I'm feeling this...I get anxious when...I'm angry about..." These are all examples of self-disclosing statements. Once you get the hang of them, it gets easier and easier to express yourself in this way. In fact, self-disclosing is a good skill for everyone in the family to work on developing. The better people get at it, the more they're going to be heard. This dovetails nicely with another important principle covered earlier: the need to feel in control so that you believe that things you are doing to improve your life do have an impact. Voting in elections is a good example of this, as is describing your health situation accurately before a blind date.
And the more you feel heard, the happier you'll be.
Dr. Robert H. Reiner, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who has been practicing for more than 20 years. He is a Department of Psychiatry faculty member at NYU Medical Center, where he teaches cognitive behavioral therapy and behavioral medicine to psychiatric residents and psychology interns. Dr. Reiner is also the executive director of Behavioral Associates, a dual clinical and consulting firm that he founded in 1988. Located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, the firm provides behavioral medicine, stress management, and cognitive behavioral psychotherapy programs.
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cope with your psoriasis
The following article by Dr. Robert H. Reiner, psychologist, will provide you with tips and insights on how to communicate with your family about your psoriasis.
Like any chronic illness, psoriasis can strain a relationship, and families are no exception. Keeping a positive attitude and communicating openly can help you and your family cope with the ups and downs of your disease.
Tips for keeping your family life on track
Don't label yourself the "sick one"
The less this is done, the healthier your family situation will be. Don't fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. Life is not just "A" or "Z"; there are 24 other letters in the alphabet.
In my field, we make the assumption that everyone has issues. For someone with psoriasis, those issues may be very public, more agonizing, but the reality is that health, both physical and emotional, is a continuum. We all struggle with something.
Be proactive
The more you can be open, honest, and up front about your illness, the more smoothly things are going to go. Some people take the attitude of "I'm not going to talk about what I have until it's absolutely unavoidable." In my opinion, that's the wrong approach.
First of all, it means you're bracing yourself all the time—hoping your psoriasis won't come up, hoping it won't embarrass you, hoping it won't interfere with something you want to do. If you're proactive—acknowledging it, and briefly explaining it (for example, "It's something I may have inherited from my grandmother; it causes my body to produce too many skin cells. I know it can look bad, but it's not contagious."), then all the cousins, nieces, nephews, and in-laws can be matter-of-fact and unsurprised by it, too.
Watch out for "secondary gains"
Anyone who has ever stayed home from school with an upset stomach and was allowed to watch television all day knows that there are some benefits to being sick. If you have a chronic illness such as psoriasis, you should not take advantage of your condition.
Say, for example, your wife's mother asks you to drive her home after dinner, and you answer that you are too tired. You can pretty much expect your wife to be annoyed with you when she gets back from driving her mother home. You have to ask yourself how uncomfortable you're willing to be, so other family members can also get their needs met. You're not going to be comfortable all the time. No one is. That's just the way adult life works.
Never break a contract
A contract doesn't have to be drawn up in a lawyer's office to be important. We make verbal contracts, or agreements, all the time. And honoring them is one of the touchstones of family life. It's one of the ways we let members of our family know we can be trusted. If you say to your spouse, "Sure, hon, go ahead and accept that invitation to the Smiths' barbecue," you need to make sure you go to the Smiths' barbecue. If you tell your kids you'll come to their soccer games this weekend, you'd better be rooting on the sidelines when the last whistle blows, or you'd better have a very good reason why you're not there.
Master constructive communication
When you're communicating with someone, your goal is to deliver information. Picture yourself trying to deliver a letter to someone: if their mailbox is nailed shut, you will have no place to deposit it. You're left holding it in your hand. By the same token, if the person you're talking to shuts down, you have nowhere to deliver the information you want to share.
How can you prevent family members from shutting down when you're talking to them? Keep these strategies in mind: don't make them feel threatened. Use statements that disclose something about you, rather than statements that are aggressive toward them. Say, for example, that you and your spouse are having a disagreement. If you say, "You're wrong," he or she will almost certainly become defensive and shut out what you have to say. If, on the other hand, you say, "I disagree," you've said something about yourself. That's a big difference.
"I'm feeling this...I get anxious when...I'm angry about..." These are all examples of self-disclosing statements. Once you get the hang of them, it gets easier and easier to express yourself in this way. In fact, self-disclosing is a good skill for everyone in the family to work on developing. The better people get at it, the more they're going to be heard. This dovetails nicely with another important principle covered earlier: the need to feel in control so that you believe that things you are doing to improve your life do have an impact. Voting in elections is a good example of this, as is describing your health situation accurately before a blind date.
And the more you feel heard, the happier you'll be.
Dr. Robert H. Reiner, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who has been practicing for more than 20 years. He is a Department of Psychiatry faculty member at NYU Medical Center, where he teaches cognitive behavioral therapy and behavioral medicine to psychiatric residents and psychology interns. Dr. Reiner is also the executive director of Behavioral Associates, a dual clinical and consulting firm that he founded in 1988. Located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, the firm provides behavioral medicine, stress management, and cognitive behavioral psychotherapy programs.
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